Stand Up - Red Lobster Theory

A friend of mine has this theory that he calls the "Red Lobster Theory" and it goes like this. Red Lobster just isn't very good. And we know it's not that good. But, like, once a year we see a commercial on TV and we think "ooh, that looks awesome" so we go to Red Lobster and then we remember why we haven't gone in a year. And I thought it was a great theory until I realized that my "friend" who was telling it was talking about me. I'M Red Lobster. What the fuck, dude?

Stand Up - Lincoln Movie

So apparently this new movie Lincoln is doing well, which is surprising given Lincoln's history in theaters.

Stand Up - The Problem With Me and Suicide

Here's the problem with me and suicide ... I'm clumsy. I've got, like, zero coordination. If it can be dropped - I'll drop it. If it can be knocked over - I'll knock it over. And I read about these folks who try shooting themselves and miss. Or even worse - the bullet lodges in their brain and doesn't kill them; it just makes them a vegetable. I could even fuck up a sure thing like stepping in front of a bus or semi. I'd step off the curb, into the street, and then I'd trip and fall. My head would hit the pavement but in the wrong lane, so the truck or bus would just run over my legs and I'd be paralyzed ... BUT NOT FUCKING DEAD!!!

Stand Up - Krav Maga

Apparently the new fitness craze is Krav Maga, which is the Israeli Army's self-defense system. But what most people don't know is that Krav Maga is actually Hebrew for "Please don't hit me. I'll sue you if you hit me."

Stand Up - Story of My Divorce

So the story of how I got to be divorced is pretty funny . . . now. I woke up one February morning, got ready for work, and headed outside. There, written in piss in the the snow, was "FUCK YOU SETH" . . . in my wife's fucking handwriting.

Stand Up - Going to Your Funeral

If you ask people if they'd go to their own funeral after faking their death, most of them will say "yes." Not me. Look, there's a reason I faked my own death and it wasn't to hang out with you motherfuckers one more time.

Stand Up - Chopsticks

So everyone always talks about how technologically superior we Asians are. And it's true. We're smart as shit. But we don't need technology to be better than you people. Remember - we can eat rice with two fucking sticks. You assholes need a "fork" or a "spoon". Not us. Give me two fucking twigs and I'll shove that rice in to my pie hole faster than you can order sweet and sour pork.

Stand Up - Not Your Cat

A friend of mine mentioned that her cat - Nacho - had run away so of course I had to say "Apparently he felt he was nacho cat."

Stand Up - Smartphones and Stalking

Smartphones have made stalking incredibly easy. Like - SCARY easy. I mean, I can meet a girl at a bar, get her name, and be stalking her by the time the second round is in front of us. But the best is when I'm playing wingman to a buddy. Once I get the name I can start feeding him info and he can make it seem like they're a match made in heaven.

"I love cats. What? You too? No way!"

"So I went to this modern dance concert last night. Really? Too bad - if I'd known you I totally would've gone with you."

The best, though, is when I feed him the wrong info. Then he just looks like a total ass and I get a good laugh out of it.

"I love dogs. What's that? Your little sister was mauled by a dog? Well... Ummm...."

"I'm totally against gay marriage. Those homos aren't entitled to the same rights as us straight people. Oh really? Your brother's gay. I see......"

Stand Up - Back in 'Nam

You know what's great about being me? When I'm hanging out with my friends I'm the only one who can say "Back when I was in 'Nam . . ." and mean it!

Stand Up - Pot and Gay Marriage in Colorado

I don't know how many of you saw this but this past election 55% of Coloradoans voted in favor of legalizing marijuana while 52% of them voted in favor of legalizing gay marriage. So a friend of mine asked me how any pot smoker could be opposed to gay marriage and I said "I don't think they are. I just think that 3% went into the booth saying 'YEAH! I'm in favor of pot and . . . and . . . and. . . . FUCK! What was the other thing? Oh well.'"

Stand Up - Lesbian Girlfriend

I really think a closeted lesbian would make the perfect girlfriend for me. Seriously. Think about it. She could pretend to be hetero for whatever reasons she needs to. I won't ever have to cuddle because she's not in to me that way. If she wants to have sex with a friend, I have no problem sitting in the corner and watching because that's what I already do on the Internet. And if we do have sex - I'll be done, she won't even know that it happened, and we'll still both be perfectly fine with it!

Stand Up - Pussy Eating

So a buddy of mine and I were talking and he asked me if I was any good at eating pussy and I said "Of course! When your tongue is bigger than your cock you don't have much choice....."

Stand Up - HDTV

So if you can believe it, growing up we never had a color TV. Never had cable either. Our first VCR had a wired remote and was, I swear to God, hooked up to a 12" black and white TV. And it's not like we couldn't afford a color TV. My parents were just cheap. Recently, I tried to get them into the 20th Century and told them they should get a flat screen HDTV. Instead, they just hired some homeless people to act out their favorite shows in their living room. And I'll tell you what - if you haven't seen homeless people act out episodes of Masterpiece Theatre then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it was meant to be seen. It gets more complicated, though, when my dad wants to watch football. Having 22 homeless people in your house is just not a good idea.

Stand Up - Gay Porn Site Autocorrect

So I'm trying to figure out what's worse: the fact that I ended up on a gay porn site on my phone or the fact that the reason I ended up there was because my phone autocorrected me misspelling "goat porn"?

Stand Up - Read a Study

I love when people start off a sentence with "I read a study once where...." Like they're trying to justify something they heard and validate it by saying they read it in a study. Sure, I believe you - if by "read it in a study" you actually mean "heard it from my cousin Jimmy, who's married to his half-sister Jenny".... Just admit to me that that's where you heard it from ... or at least tell me that you read it on the Internet somewhere. I still won't believe what you're telling me but at least I'll believe that that's where you heard or "read" it.

Stand Up - Food Network

The Food Network is like porn for fat people. Actually, fat people need real porn too. God knows I do. But I fucking love Food TV too. Seriously - if there was a channel with hot naked women cooking deep fried food I'd never fucking change the channel. I'd probably never leave the house either.

Stand Up - Chinese Restaurants

I love eating at Chinese restaurants, but probably not for the reasons you think. I like sitting in the restaurant and watching the white people who come in. A lot of the time some white people will come in, look around, and then either leave or stay. I swear to God that they're just counting the number of Asian people in the restaurant because to them, the more Asians there are the better the restaurant must be. Let's forget, for a moment, the fact that they shouldn't be counting me because I'm like the whitest Asian guy there. But seriously - you don't see me going to a fried chicken joint and counting the number of.... Oh. Fuck. Nevermind.

Stand Up - Adam and Eve (Second Alternate)

How is it that eating an apple was what caused the fall of man? Eating an apple is the ultimate sin? REALLY??? You've got two naked people hanging around in a garden with a snake and eating an apple is the worst thing any of them can do? It seems to me that if you wanted to start the fall of mankind in a situation like that maybe having Eve take a little ATM action would've been the way to go! Who knows? Maybe that's what actually happened. Maybe the apple was just Adam's cock and after letting it in her ass Eve said "Okay, now I'll suck on it." Now THAT definitely would've started the downfall of mankind.

And you can bet if that had actually happened, the Ten Commandments would've been wayyyyyy different. "Moses, I was gonna tell you not to steal but fuck that. I had to make room for 'Thou shalt not ATM thy neighbor."

Stand Up - Another Phrase

Another phrase I hate is "It's always in the last place you look."

I'm sure you've all heard it before. You can't find something and you spend several minutes looking for it while people are waiting and when you finally appear with whatever it was you were looking for someone always asks you where it was and when you answer they say "Man, it's always in the last place you look, isn't it?"

Well, YES! Yes it IS always in the last place I look because after I find it I'm not gonna keep fucking looking, am I? Seriously? Do you think I'm going to find it, say "Oh, here it is!" and then keep fucking looking? EVERYTHING is ALWAYS in the last place I look for it because I'm not a fucking moron.

Stand Up - Orgy Rules

So a friend of mine has this rule on group sex. What he says if that if you're rating the girls on a scale of 1 to 10 it doesn't matter if none of the girls you're with are 10s - or even 9s - so long as their ratings add up to at least a 10. And I'm like "Wait! You're telling me that if I'm with five 2s then it's okay? But they're TWOS for the love of God!"

"Yeah, but you're fucking FIVE of them!"

So really, the rule is pretty sound. Unfortunately, though, I've learned that it doesn't transfer well. Let me give you and example. A couple weeks ago I was with a couple girls and they were both 8s so under his rule I was already ahead. The problem is that it apparently doesn't matter - at least not legally - that their ages added up to 18. Who knew?

Stand Up - Doctor Visit

The other day I went to the doctor for my first physical in, like, 12 years. Yeah. I know. Really bad, right? So anyway, the nurse sends me off to the bathroom to give a "sample" and she hands me a cup along with a Sharpie and tells me to be sure to write my name on the cup. So I go into the bathroom, write my name on the cup and then proceed to fill it up. So when I finished up I put the cup on the counter so I could wash my hands and as I'm doing this I noticed on the paper towel dispenser are instructions on how to properly do what I just did.

Now let's forget the fact that I totally didn't follow the instructions in any way, shape or form. First off - I can't believe there were actually instructions on how to PEE into a CUP. "Here's a cup. Pee in it." are the only instructions I need. But even worse - the LAST step in the typed- up directions was to write your name on the cup. That's the LAST step? REALLY???? It was fucking hard enough to write my name on the cup when it was empty! I was supposed to do it after I'd filled it up?

Stand Up - Threesome

So I almost had my first threesome involving all people. My wife and I were at a bar when this woman came over and asked my wife if she was interested in trying a threesome. So of course in my mind I'm thinking "YES! Yes we are!" but that might not be the "right" answer . . . and by "right" I mean "what my wife is going to say." So instead I'm standing there saying "yesssnoooooyeeeennnnnooo"..... Finally my wife says "yes" and I'm like "YEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!" and then the woman says "Great, why don't you come meet my husband" and I'm like "Nooooooooooooo.........." Very disappointing.

Stand Up - Fuck (Alternate)

So I don't know about the rest of you but if "fuck" is as hot, dirty and dumb as I keep hearing then I totally want to meet her because she sounds AWESOME!!!

Stand Up - Fuck

So I don't know about the rest of you but I have a favorite word. Anyone else? No? That's okay. My favorite word in the whole word is "fuck." And not because I like to do it (although I do). But because it's such a useful, versatile word.

It's an expletive. "Oh FUCK!"

It's a verb. "Fuck off!"

It's a noun. "What the fuck?"

But do you know what the best thing about "fuck" is? Every day I hear people compare someone to "fuck". "She's hot as fuck!" "She's dirty as fuck!""She's dumb as fuck!" I don't know about you all, but if "fuck" is hot, dirty and dumb I totally want to meet her because she sounds AWESOME!!!

Stand Up - Starbucks

So I love coffee. Absolutely love it. Caffeine is one of the best drugs in the world and boy do I consume a lot of it. But I hate Starbucks. I can't tell you the last time I was in a Starbucks. You know, it was disturbing enough when they put, like, five different Starbucks inside the Mall at Polaris. I think there were like three individual Starbucks shops plus one on each floor of the Great Indoors. There are just too fucking many of them! In fact, I read, recently, that Starbucks just opened a new shop in South Carolina . . . inside a funeral parlor. Yeah, that's right. There's now a Starbucks in a funeral home.

Now at first I was like all of you are. I thought "What the FUCK??? Can Starbucks really sink any lower?" But then after thinking about it for a bit I realized it makes sense. I mean - do you want to be the guy that fell asleep at a funeral? FUCK NO! Everyone's there quietly weeping and you're in a seat, head back, snoring away . . . drool trickling out of the corner of your mouth. You bet your ass you'd be wishing there were a Starbucks.

Stand Up - Positions

So a few years ago I'd picked up this girl at a bar and we were back at her place going at it and we started in the basic missionary and then changed positions to her on top and then changed again to something else when she stopped and said "What the fuck? I just want you to keep fucking me over and over. We have a good rhythm going and then you stop and change positions. Why the fuck do you keep doing that?"

"Uhhh, because that's what I thought you wanted!"

"Why the fuck would you think that?"

"Duh! PORN!!!"

You guys know, right? You watch internet porn and every five seconds it's a new position! Cowgirl! Reverse cowgirl! Blow job! Doggy style! Leg up here . . . arms over there. It's like every fucking porn star has ADD.

Stand Up - Parade

Life is so different now. Parents these days totally freak the fuck out when their kid is just talking to a stranger. I remember when I was growing up and I was at a parade and couldn't see and my parents let some guy who was tall put me up on his shoulders so I could see. And it was totally okay back then. It wasn't until recently that I realized that it probably wasn't okay because while I was on the guy's shoulders he was actually facing the wrong way and bobbing his head a lot.

Stand Up - Shoe Size

So a friend of mine insists that - to some degree - we can will just about anything to happen. And as an example she uses her boobs. According to her they were basically the size of mosquito bites until she willed them to get bigger. Now it's not like they're double-d's. They're still kinda small. But she insists that they were even smaller before.

I, of course, think this is bullshit because if it were true I'd have at least size 12 feet by now.

Stand Up - Superman

Anyone here remember how they did the original "sightings" of Superman? It always began with "It's a bird! It's a plane!" and the people saying it were always so fucking excited! WHO THE FUCK GETS EXCITED ABOUT SEEING A BIRD OR A PLANE???? Were the only people seeing Superman back then like three years old??

Stand Up - Adam and Eve (Alternate)

How is it that eating an apple was what caused the fall of man? Eating an apple is the ultimate sin? REALLY??? You've got two naked people hanging around in a garden with a snake and eating an apple is the worst thing any of them can do? It seems to me that if you wanted to start the fall of mankind in a situation like that maybe having Eve suck Adam's cock would've been the way to go! Who knows? Maybe that's what actually happened. Maybe the snake and the apple were just metaphors and what really happened was the snake was Adam's cock telling Eve to let him tea bag her. Now THAT definitely would've started the downfall of mankind.

And you can bet if that had actually happened, the Ten Commandments would've been wayyyyyy different. "Moses, I was gonna tell you not to steal but fuck that. I had to make room for 'Thou shalt not tea bag thy neighbor's ass'."

Stand Up - Adam and Eve

So I'm gonna do this bit that I came up with and the truth is it's not really that funny. But the story around it is. So here goes.

Can someone explain to me how it is that eating an apple is what caused the downfall of mankind? Eating an apple is the ultimate sin? REALLY? You've got two naked people hanging around the Garden of Eden with a snake and eating an apple is the WORST thing you can do? Of course, not everyone believes the Bible is word-for-word true. Some say that it's allegorical . . . that the stories are metaphors not to be taken literally. And I like that idea . . . maybe the snake and the apple were metaphors. Because I gotta tell you - the story of the Fall of Man makes a lot more sense if the snake was really just Adam's cock telling Eve to let Adam tea bag her.

So yeah - not the funniest bit, right? Well I was bouncing this bit off a couple of friends of mine and they both told me the same thing - it's too intellectual. They both told me I need to dumb it down a bit? I'm sorry, who the fuck says a tea bagging joke is "too intellectual"???? I mean - how low on the intelligence totem pole are you when you say a tea bagging joke is too smart??????

Stand Up - Closing

My time is about up here so I want to end on a more serious note. As you leave here tonight please be careful as you drive home. Not because you've been drinking or because others have been drinking. But because of people like me. People who are "driving while Oriental". It's not my fault, though, I swear. We just have bad depth perception. I guess that's what comes from years of telling girls that this is six inches.

Folks, if you've had half as much fun listening to me as I've had talking to you then I've had twice as much fun talking to you as you've had listening to me which leads me to the conclusion that I pretty much suck. Hopefully you'll enjoy the next guy more.

Stand Up - Plastic Casing

So, I was out of town a few weeks ago and realized I forgot my phone charger so I went out and grabbed one at the local CVS. When I got back to my room and opened the bag I discovered that the charger was packaged in that super unbreakable thick plastic casing - you know what I'm talking about right? The shit that's so thick you need a goddamn Ginsu knife to cut through it. So I'm pissed and I ask one of the guys I was on the trip with to run to the CVS and get me a pair of scissors. Well he does and he comes back and throws the scissors at me. And of course, they're also sealed up in the super unbreakable plastic packaging. Are you fucking kidding me?????

By the way - if a Ginsu knife is indestructible why don't we make more stuff outta that shit? I can't put on a pair of sunglasses more than five times without breaking the screws that hold the damn thing together. You're telling me they can't make little tiny Ginsu screws? It's Asian, for the love of God. We specialize in small!

And why is it called a pair of scissors? I mean, if I break it in half so that I have a handle and one of the blades do I have a scissor? NO! I have a fucking knife.

Stand Up - Facebook

Growing up in Columbus I'm a pretty big Ohio State fan. But you know what I hate - when people say to me or post on Facebook something like "Woohoo! We beat the shit outta Michigan!" "We"? As in "you and other people"? How did I miss seeing you out there? A friend of mine thinks the "we" thing is okay because OBVIOUSLY when we say "we" the "I" is metaphorical. Personally, I think this is a bunch of horse shit. But rather than tell him that I simply went and posted on his Facebook wall "Woohoo!! We fucked the SHIT out of your wife last night!" He didn't like that very much.

Stand Up - Safe Word

I don't know about you guys but I'm totally in to sadomasochism and bondage. I wasn't always this way but I dated this crazy-ass chick for a few months and this was her thing and she totally sucked me into it. The thing that got me was her "safe word". You know - the word you yell out when things are too rough or intense. Her "safe word" was "cucumber". CUCUMBER???? Really??? What the fuck is wrong with "SAFE"? Or even better - "STOP"? Fuck, the first time she yelled out "CUCUMBER" I wasn't sure if she wanted me to stop or if she wanted me to shove up a cucumber up her ass! I'll say one thing though - those fucking socks never yelled "cucumber!"

Stand Up - Porn

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Stand Up - SSM

So I was talking to a friend of mine who's opposed to same-sex marriage. His whole thing is that sure, they're in love, but where does it end? Are we gonna let some guy marry his dog because he's "in love" with his dog? And I gotta tell you - he really almost had me convinced. Because when I was 12 I had this sock that I was totally in love with! I so would've married this sock!

And really, if I'm being honest, it wasn't just one sock. There were like five or six socks I rotated between. One time I even tried two socks at once. And it was fine until the two socks got stuck together. Then it was the two of them and me off in the corner by myself. Fucking last time I'll ever try a three-way.

Stand Up - Phrases

So as someone who's conversationally anal retentive there are certain phrases that people use that I absolutely hate. Not so much because they're over-used but more because they just don't make any fucking sense. Last week a friend of mine was bitching about something and he was going on and on and on and then at the end he says "Eh. What are you gonna do?" So I asked him, "I don't know. What are you gonna do . . . aside from bitch and complain?" He didn't really have an answer for that.

Here's one I get a lot - "it's neither here nor there." Hold on just a fucking second! It's neither here NOR there? Then where the fuck is it? If it's neither here nor there then it simply doesn't exist!

And then there's this - "very unique". First off, "unique" means "one of a kind". It's from the latin "uni" meaning "one" and "que" meaning "of a kind". So if something is very unique that means it's even rarer than "one of a kind". I guess it would mean "none of a kind"? Yes! It's so unique and it's so rare that it's neither here nor there! Eh . . . what are you gonna do?

Stand Up - Being a Parent

But I'm a parent now and I swear to God I love all my children the same. My youngest is almost three and, sadly, totally in to Dora the Explorer. Anyone ever watch that show? The one with the little Hispanic girl with the backpack that has everything . . . EXCEPT A FUCKING GPS!?!?!?!????? I mean - REALLY? She can pull a damn canoe out of that thing to get across a river but there's no GPS telling her how to avoid the river? You'd think after getting lost so many fucking times her parents would buy her a Garmin or something. Shit - she gets off track more than a pedophile trying to walk a straight line through a playground at recess.

And speaking of Dora's parents - where the fuck are they? I know if my kid came home telling me that he and his "talking monkey" friend were being "stalked" by a" fox" in a "ski mask" I'd be putting him in some serious therapy and I mean fast. Can you say "delusional paranoia"?

And while we're on the subject of pedophiles, can I just say that how glad I am my son's not into The Wiggles. I mean - do we really need our kids wanting to hang out with four old Australian dudes who wear nothing but bright colored clothing to attract little boys and girls? Seriously - the only thing missing from that show is a van with the words "FREE CANDY" duct taped on the side.

What's really scary is that I saw, once, that the Wiggles had become the highest grossing Australian entertainment act, passing Mel Gibson. MEL GIBSON! Apparently to be rich and famous in Australia you can either hate Jews or be a pedophile.

Stand Up - Only Child

So not surprisingly - with a name like Seth Kleinman I had little choice but to become a lawyer. But seriously, though, I've learned a lot being a lawyer. A few months ago I was over in Court waiting for something and in the conference room where I was waiting there was a Time Magazine and the main article was about how parents are biologically predisposed to having a favorite child. That’s right – parents are biologically predisposed to having a favorite child. We can’t help it. We can say we love all our kids the same but science tells us we'll have a favorite. And it got me thinking “Yeah, that's right!. I was never my mother’s favorite.” Which is particularly fucked up seeing how I'm an only child.

As an only child I had to play with myself a lot. No - not that way you perverts. I mean I had a pretty active imagination. And being adopted I used to imagine that my parents paid a lot of money for me. But then I would remember - my dad's a fucking Jew . . . of course he didn't pay a lot of money for me. Hell - he wouldn't even shell out the cash for a good Chinese knockoff. He went to Vietnam to get me - the knockoff of a knockoff. If I were a watch they wouldn't sell me on the street outside of Tiffany's; they'd sell me on the street outside of Jimmy's Pawn Shop.

Stand Up - Opening (Alternate)

Thank you. Thank you very much. As mentioned, this is my first time up here and, not surprisingly, I see a few "what the fuck" looks. It's okay. Looking the way I do and having the name Seth Kleinman I get "what the fuck" looks all the time.

So yeah, I can see some of the women out there now putting two and two together. "He's Jewish. He's Asian. SHIT! How small is it???"

But that’s okay. No no. That’s okay. Because I’ve learned to overcome this handicap. I can still get the women. I use a little charm . . . a little wit . . . a little chloroform . . . and it's all good! Well, at least for me it is.

Stand Up - Opening

Thank you. Thank you very much. As mentioned, this is my first time up here and, not surprisingly, I see a few "what the fuck" looks. It's okay. Looking the way I do and having the name Seth Kleinman I get "what the fuck" looks all the time.

So yeah, I can see some of the women out there now putting two and two together. "He's Jewish. He's Asian. SHIT! How small is it?" Well, let me put it this way. About the only person I have a chance at turning on these days is Jerry Sandusky.

But that’s okay. No no. That’s okay. Because I’ve learned to overcome this handicap. I can still get the women. I use a little charm . . . a little wit . . . a little chloroform . . . and it's all good! Well, at least for me it is.