Stand Up - Runners Always Find the Dead Body

So I've started running recently, but not outside. No, I'm running inside, on a treadmill, at the gym. I know a lot of people say that running on a treadmill is the most boring thing in the world and, admittedly, it's not particularly exciting. But I don't want to run outside. I don't want to run in the park. Look - you know how it goes. You're watching the news and the "Breaking News" graphic comes up and there's the reporter out in the field and he ALWAYS says this: "A man running in the park today discovered a dead body just off the running trail...." Now I can either be the guy finding the body or I can be the body, and since I don't run very fast chances are I'm gonna be the body. Either way, I don't want a piece of that.

Stand Up - Perfect Guy

I love how you ladies all say that all you you want is someone who can make you laugh. Bull. Shit. I'm sorry - it's just not true. Because I'm a pretty funny guy and I can't get anyone to go out with me. I asked a girl out once and she laughed and laughed and I thought "Man, she must really want me!"...... Yeah, not so much.

But really, while you say you just want a guy who can make you laugh what you want is that perfect guy - that hunk who works out and takes care of himself and has the six-pack abs but he's also warm and kind and sensitive and likes fuzzy animals and wants to listen to you at the end of the day. And that's fine, ladies, but it's just not gonna happen, ladies. You're never gonna get that guy. And it's not because they don't exist. On no, there are plenty of them out there. They're just all dating each other......

Stand Up - Sorta Racist

Can you be "sorta" racist? I mean - is that even possible? Like every Friday night I go down to the homeless shelter and help out the black folk. But I'm also a reservist in the Klan. One weekend a month and two weeks in the summer I'm at the meetings, wearing a hood, burning a cross and shit. So am I only "sorta" racist?

Stand Up - Batman SNL Skit

Has anyone seen the most recent Batman movie - The Dark Knight Rises? So as it is, Christian Bale's Batman has this gravelly, hard-to-understand voice, right? And then for the movie they got this new bad guy Bane, who's even harder to understand. So it got me thinking - how awesome would this SNL skit be? Batman and Robin go through a McDonald's drive-thru and on the radio at the window is Bane taking his order. Batman and Bane talk back and forth - completely not understandable to the audience. Then Batman pulls up, pays, and while they're driving off Robin looks in the bag and tells Batman that they got the order exactly right. How great would that be?

Stand Up - Girl Car

I don't know how it happened but I'm pretty sure I ended up with a girl car. Not a girlie car, mind you, but a car that's actually a girl. Yesterday it started to sputter and instead of a "check engine" light coming on I got a "no no. I'm fine" light. What the fuck?

Stand Up - Internet Porn and Memory

So I heard about this study, recently, that says that watching porn on the Internet can lead to short term memory loss and I say to my wife "Well that explains a LOT about my brother!" [pause] So I heard about this study, recently, that says that watching porn on the Internet can lead to short term memory loss and I say to my wife....

Stand Up - Subway

So I'm sure everyone's seen recently how Subway got in a bit of trouble because it turns out their footlong subs weren't actually a foot long. Subway, of course, denied the accusation, claiming that the test conditions were just to cold to give an accurate reading. This was followed up by them insisting it's never happened before. "Uh huh. Sure. Look, man, it happens to all of occasionally. Really. It's okay." Of course, I can say that because I'm a guy. I'm not sure if a girl's gonna have the same reaction.