Stand Up - Lesbian Girlfriend

I really think a closeted lesbian would make the perfect girlfriend for me. Seriously. Think about it. She could pretend to be hetero for whatever reasons she needs to. I won't ever have to cuddle because she's not in to me that way. If she wants to have sex with a friend, I have no problem sitting in the corner and watching because that's what I already do on the Internet. And if we do have sex - I'll be done, she won't even know that it happened, and we'll still both be perfectly fine with it!

Stand Up - Pussy Eating

So a buddy of mine and I were talking and he asked me if I was any good at eating pussy and I said "Of course! When your tongue is bigger than your cock you don't have much choice....."

Stand Up - HDTV

So if you can believe it, growing up we never had a color TV. Never had cable either. Our first VCR had a wired remote and was, I swear to God, hooked up to a 12" black and white TV. And it's not like we couldn't afford a color TV. My parents were just cheap. Recently, I tried to get them into the 20th Century and told them they should get a flat screen HDTV. Instead, they just hired some homeless people to act out their favorite shows in their living room. And I'll tell you what - if you haven't seen homeless people act out episodes of Masterpiece Theatre then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it was meant to be seen. It gets more complicated, though, when my dad wants to watch football. Having 22 homeless people in your house is just not a good idea.

Stand Up - Gay Porn Site Autocorrect

So I'm trying to figure out what's worse: the fact that I ended up on a gay porn site on my phone or the fact that the reason I ended up there was because my phone autocorrected me misspelling "goat porn"?

Stand Up - Read a Study

I love when people start off a sentence with "I read a study once where...." Like they're trying to justify something they heard and validate it by saying they read it in a study. Sure, I believe you - if by "read it in a study" you actually mean "heard it from my cousin Jimmy, who's married to his half-sister Jenny".... Just admit to me that that's where you heard it from ... or at least tell me that you read it on the Internet somewhere. I still won't believe what you're telling me but at least I'll believe that that's where you heard or "read" it.

Stand Up - Food Network

The Food Network is like porn for fat people. Actually, fat people need real porn too. God knows I do. But I fucking love Food TV too. Seriously - if there was a channel with hot naked women cooking deep fried food I'd never fucking change the channel. I'd probably never leave the house either.

Stand Up - Chinese Restaurants

I love eating at Chinese restaurants, but probably not for the reasons you think. I like sitting in the restaurant and watching the white people who come in. A lot of the time some white people will come in, look around, and then either leave or stay. I swear to God that they're just counting the number of Asian people in the restaurant because to them, the more Asians there are the better the restaurant must be. Let's forget, for a moment, the fact that they shouldn't be counting me because I'm like the whitest Asian guy there. But seriously - you don't see me going to a fried chicken joint and counting the number of.... Oh. Fuck. Nevermind.

Stand Up - Adam and Eve (Second Alternate)

How is it that eating an apple was what caused the fall of man? Eating an apple is the ultimate sin? REALLY??? You've got two naked people hanging around in a garden with a snake and eating an apple is the worst thing any of them can do? It seems to me that if you wanted to start the fall of mankind in a situation like that maybe having Eve take a little ATM action would've been the way to go! Who knows? Maybe that's what actually happened. Maybe the apple was just Adam's cock and after letting it in her ass Eve said "Okay, now I'll suck on it." Now THAT definitely would've started the downfall of mankind.

And you can bet if that had actually happened, the Ten Commandments would've been wayyyyyy different. "Moses, I was gonna tell you not to steal but fuck that. I had to make room for 'Thou shalt not ATM thy neighbor."

Stand Up - Another Phrase

Another phrase I hate is "It's always in the last place you look."

I'm sure you've all heard it before. You can't find something and you spend several minutes looking for it while people are waiting and when you finally appear with whatever it was you were looking for someone always asks you where it was and when you answer they say "Man, it's always in the last place you look, isn't it?"

Well, YES! Yes it IS always in the last place I look because after I find it I'm not gonna keep fucking looking, am I? Seriously? Do you think I'm going to find it, say "Oh, here it is!" and then keep fucking looking? EVERYTHING is ALWAYS in the last place I look for it because I'm not a fucking moron.

Stand Up - Orgy Rules

So a friend of mine has this rule on group sex. What he says if that if you're rating the girls on a scale of 1 to 10 it doesn't matter if none of the girls you're with are 10s - or even 9s - so long as their ratings add up to at least a 10. And I'm like "Wait! You're telling me that if I'm with five 2s then it's okay? But they're TWOS for the love of God!"

"Yeah, but you're fucking FIVE of them!"

So really, the rule is pretty sound. Unfortunately, though, I've learned that it doesn't transfer well. Let me give you and example. A couple weeks ago I was with a couple girls and they were both 8s so under his rule I was already ahead. The problem is that it apparently doesn't matter - at least not legally - that their ages added up to 18. Who knew?

Stand Up - Doctor Visit

The other day I went to the doctor for my first physical in, like, 12 years. Yeah. I know. Really bad, right? So anyway, the nurse sends me off to the bathroom to give a "sample" and she hands me a cup along with a Sharpie and tells me to be sure to write my name on the cup. So I go into the bathroom, write my name on the cup and then proceed to fill it up. So when I finished up I put the cup on the counter so I could wash my hands and as I'm doing this I noticed on the paper towel dispenser are instructions on how to properly do what I just did.

Now let's forget the fact that I totally didn't follow the instructions in any way, shape or form. First off - I can't believe there were actually instructions on how to PEE into a CUP. "Here's a cup. Pee in it." are the only instructions I need. But even worse - the LAST step in the typed- up directions was to write your name on the cup. That's the LAST step? REALLY???? It was fucking hard enough to write my name on the cup when it was empty! I was supposed to do it after I'd filled it up?

Stand Up - Threesome

So I almost had my first threesome involving all people. My wife and I were at a bar when this woman came over and asked my wife if she was interested in trying a threesome. So of course in my mind I'm thinking "YES! Yes we are!" but that might not be the "right" answer . . . and by "right" I mean "what my wife is going to say." So instead I'm standing there saying "yesssnoooooyeeeennnnnooo"..... Finally my wife says "yes" and I'm like "YEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!" and then the woman says "Great, why don't you come meet my husband" and I'm like "Nooooooooooooo.........." Very disappointing.