Stand Up - Lincoln Movie

So apparently this new movie Lincoln is doing well, which is surprising given Lincoln's history in theaters.

Stand Up - The Problem With Me and Suicide

Here's the problem with me and suicide ... I'm clumsy. I've got, like, zero coordination. If it can be dropped - I'll drop it. If it can be knocked over - I'll knock it over. And I read about these folks who try shooting themselves and miss. Or even worse - the bullet lodges in their brain and doesn't kill them; it just makes them a vegetable. I could even fuck up a sure thing like stepping in front of a bus or semi. I'd step off the curb, into the street, and then I'd trip and fall. My head would hit the pavement but in the wrong lane, so the truck or bus would just run over my legs and I'd be paralyzed ... BUT NOT FUCKING DEAD!!!

Stand Up - Krav Maga

Apparently the new fitness craze is Krav Maga, which is the Israeli Army's self-defense system. But what most people don't know is that Krav Maga is actually Hebrew for "Please don't hit me. I'll sue you if you hit me."

Stand Up - Story of My Divorce

So the story of how I got to be divorced is pretty funny . . . now. I woke up one February morning, got ready for work, and headed outside. There, written in piss in the the snow, was "FUCK YOU SETH" . . . in my wife's fucking handwriting.

Stand Up - Going to Your Funeral

If you ask people if they'd go to their own funeral after faking their death, most of them will say "yes." Not me. Look, there's a reason I faked my own death and it wasn't to hang out with you motherfuckers one more time.

Stand Up - Chopsticks

So everyone always talks about how technologically superior we Asians are. And it's true. We're smart as shit. But we don't need technology to be better than you people. Remember - we can eat rice with two fucking sticks. You assholes need a "fork" or a "spoon". Not us. Give me two fucking twigs and I'll shove that rice in to my pie hole faster than you can order sweet and sour pork.

Stand Up - Not Your Cat

A friend of mine mentioned that her cat - Nacho - had run away so of course I had to say "Apparently he felt he was nacho cat."

Stand Up - Smartphones and Stalking

Smartphones have made stalking incredibly easy. Like - SCARY easy. I mean, I can meet a girl at a bar, get her name, and be stalking her by the time the second round is in front of us. But the best is when I'm playing wingman to a buddy. Once I get the name I can start feeding him info and he can make it seem like they're a match made in heaven.

"I love cats. What? You too? No way!"

"So I went to this modern dance concert last night. Really? Too bad - if I'd known you I totally would've gone with you."

The best, though, is when I feed him the wrong info. Then he just looks like a total ass and I get a good laugh out of it.

"I love dogs. What's that? Your little sister was mauled by a dog? Well... Ummm...."

"I'm totally against gay marriage. Those homos aren't entitled to the same rights as us straight people. Oh really? Your brother's gay. I see......"

Stand Up - Back in 'Nam

You know what's great about being me? When I'm hanging out with my friends I'm the only one who can say "Back when I was in 'Nam . . ." and mean it!

Stand Up - Pot and Gay Marriage in Colorado

I don't know how many of you saw this but this past election 55% of Coloradoans voted in favor of legalizing marijuana while 52% of them voted in favor of legalizing gay marriage. So a friend of mine asked me how any pot smoker could be opposed to gay marriage and I said "I don't think they are. I just think that 3% went into the booth saying 'YEAH! I'm in favor of pot and . . . and . . . and. . . . FUCK! What was the other thing? Oh well.'"