Stand Up - Red Lobster Theory

A friend of mine has this theory that he calls the "Red Lobster Theory" and it goes like this. Red Lobster just isn't very good. And we know it's not that good. But, like, once a year we see a commercial on TV and we think "ooh, that looks awesome" so we go to Red Lobster and then we remember why we haven't gone in a year. And I thought it was a great theory until I realized that my "friend" who was telling it was talking about me. I'M Red Lobster. What the fuck, dude?

Stand Up - Lincoln Movie

So apparently this new movie Lincoln is doing well, which is surprising given Lincoln's history in theaters.

Stand Up - The Problem With Me and Suicide

Here's the problem with me and suicide ... I'm clumsy. I've got, like, zero coordination. If it can be dropped - I'll drop it. If it can be knocked over - I'll knock it over. And I read about these folks who try shooting themselves and miss. Or even worse - the bullet lodges in their brain and doesn't kill them; it just makes them a vegetable. I could even fuck up a sure thing like stepping in front of a bus or semi. I'd step off the curb, into the street, and then I'd trip and fall. My head would hit the pavement but in the wrong lane, so the truck or bus would just run over my legs and I'd be paralyzed ... BUT NOT FUCKING DEAD!!!

Stand Up - Krav Maga

Apparently the new fitness craze is Krav Maga, which is the Israeli Army's self-defense system. But what most people don't know is that Krav Maga is actually Hebrew for "Please don't hit me. I'll sue you if you hit me."

Stand Up - Story of My Divorce

So the story of how I got to be divorced is pretty funny . . . now. I woke up one February morning, got ready for work, and headed outside. There, written in piss in the the snow, was "FUCK YOU SETH" . . . in my wife's fucking handwriting.

Stand Up - Going to Your Funeral

If you ask people if they'd go to their own funeral after faking their death, most of them will say "yes." Not me. Look, there's a reason I faked my own death and it wasn't to hang out with you motherfuckers one more time.

Stand Up - Chopsticks

So everyone always talks about how technologically superior we Asians are. And it's true. We're smart as shit. But we don't need technology to be better than you people. Remember - we can eat rice with two fucking sticks. You assholes need a "fork" or a "spoon". Not us. Give me two fucking twigs and I'll shove that rice in to my pie hole faster than you can order sweet and sour pork.