Volunteering at School

[To be done after the audience knows I have kids] So over the winter I thought that it would be nice to do some volunteer work at the neighborhood school. Problem is, my kids are homeschooled, so basically I was just some creepy guy walking around the school's hallways.

Stand Up - Runners Always Find the Dead Body

So I've started running recently, but not outside. No, I'm running inside, on a treadmill, at the gym. I know a lot of people say that running on a treadmill is the most boring thing in the world and, admittedly, it's not particularly exciting. But I don't want to run outside. I don't want to run in the park. Look - you know how it goes. You're watching the news and the "Breaking News" graphic comes up and there's the reporter out in the field and he ALWAYS says this: "A man running in the park today discovered a dead body just off the running trail...." Now I can either be the guy finding the body or I can be the body, and since I don't run very fast chances are I'm gonna be the body. Either way, I don't want a piece of that.

Stand Up - Perfect Guy

I love how you ladies all say that all you you want is someone who can make you laugh. Bull. Shit. I'm sorry - it's just not true. Because I'm a pretty funny guy and I can't get anyone to go out with me. I asked a girl out once and she laughed and laughed and I thought "Man, she must really want me!"...... Yeah, not so much.

But really, while you say you just want a guy who can make you laugh what you want is that perfect guy - that hunk who works out and takes care of himself and has the six-pack abs but he's also warm and kind and sensitive and likes fuzzy animals and wants to listen to you at the end of the day. And that's fine, ladies, but it's just not gonna happen, ladies. You're never gonna get that guy. And it's not because they don't exist. On no, there are plenty of them out there. They're just all dating each other......

Stand Up - Sorta Racist

Can you be "sorta" racist? I mean - is that even possible? Like every Friday night I go down to the homeless shelter and help out the black folk. But I'm also a reservist in the Klan. One weekend a month and two weeks in the summer I'm at the meetings, wearing a hood, burning a cross and shit. So am I only "sorta" racist?

Stand Up - Batman SNL Skit

Has anyone seen the most recent Batman movie - The Dark Knight Rises? So as it is, Christian Bale's Batman has this gravelly, hard-to-understand voice, right? And then for the movie they got this new bad guy Bane, who's even harder to understand. So it got me thinking - how awesome would this SNL skit be? Batman and Robin go through a McDonald's drive-thru and on the radio at the window is Bane taking his order. Batman and Bane talk back and forth - completely not understandable to the audience. Then Batman pulls up, pays, and while they're driving off Robin looks in the bag and tells Batman that they got the order exactly right. How great would that be?

Stand Up - Girl Car

I don't know how it happened but I'm pretty sure I ended up with a girl car. Not a girlie car, mind you, but a car that's actually a girl. Yesterday it started to sputter and instead of a "check engine" light coming on I got a "no no. I'm fine" light. What the fuck?

Stand Up - Internet Porn and Memory

So I heard about this study, recently, that says that watching porn on the Internet can lead to short term memory loss and I say to my wife "Well that explains a LOT about my brother!" [pause] So I heard about this study, recently, that says that watching porn on the Internet can lead to short term memory loss and I say to my wife....

Stand Up - Subway

So I'm sure everyone's seen recently how Subway got in a bit of trouble because it turns out their footlong subs weren't actually a foot long. Subway, of course, denied the accusation, claiming that the test conditions were just to cold to give an accurate reading. This was followed up by them insisting it's never happened before. "Uh huh. Sure. Look, man, it happens to all of occasionally. Really. It's okay." Of course, I can say that because I'm a guy. I'm not sure if a girl's gonna have the same reaction.

Stand Up - Red Lobster Theory

A friend of mine has this theory that he calls the "Red Lobster Theory" and it goes like this. Red Lobster just isn't very good. And we know it's not that good. But, like, once a year we see a commercial on TV and we think "ooh, that looks awesome" so we go to Red Lobster and then we remember why we haven't gone in a year. And I thought it was a great theory until I realized that my "friend" who was telling it was talking about me. I'M Red Lobster. What the fuck, dude?

Stand Up - Lincoln Movie

So apparently this new movie Lincoln is doing well, which is surprising given Lincoln's history in theaters.

Stand Up - The Problem With Me and Suicide

Here's the problem with me and suicide ... I'm clumsy. I've got, like, zero coordination. If it can be dropped - I'll drop it. If it can be knocked over - I'll knock it over. And I read about these folks who try shooting themselves and miss. Or even worse - the bullet lodges in their brain and doesn't kill them; it just makes them a vegetable. I could even fuck up a sure thing like stepping in front of a bus or semi. I'd step off the curb, into the street, and then I'd trip and fall. My head would hit the pavement but in the wrong lane, so the truck or bus would just run over my legs and I'd be paralyzed ... BUT NOT FUCKING DEAD!!!

Stand Up - Krav Maga

Apparently the new fitness craze is Krav Maga, which is the Israeli Army's self-defense system. But what most people don't know is that Krav Maga is actually Hebrew for "Please don't hit me. I'll sue you if you hit me."

Stand Up - Story of My Divorce

So the story of how I got to be divorced is pretty funny . . . now. I woke up one February morning, got ready for work, and headed outside. There, written in piss in the the snow, was "FUCK YOU SETH" . . . in my wife's fucking handwriting.

Stand Up - Going to Your Funeral

If you ask people if they'd go to their own funeral after faking their death, most of them will say "yes." Not me. Look, there's a reason I faked my own death and it wasn't to hang out with you motherfuckers one more time.

Stand Up - Chopsticks

So everyone always talks about how technologically superior we Asians are. And it's true. We're smart as shit. But we don't need technology to be better than you people. Remember - we can eat rice with two fucking sticks. You assholes need a "fork" or a "spoon". Not us. Give me two fucking twigs and I'll shove that rice in to my pie hole faster than you can order sweet and sour pork.

Stand Up - Not Your Cat

A friend of mine mentioned that her cat - Nacho - had run away so of course I had to say "Apparently he felt he was nacho cat."

Stand Up - Smartphones and Stalking

Smartphones have made stalking incredibly easy. Like - SCARY easy. I mean, I can meet a girl at a bar, get her name, and be stalking her by the time the second round is in front of us. But the best is when I'm playing wingman to a buddy. Once I get the name I can start feeding him info and he can make it seem like they're a match made in heaven.

"I love cats. What? You too? No way!"

"So I went to this modern dance concert last night. Really? Too bad - if I'd known you I totally would've gone with you."

The best, though, is when I feed him the wrong info. Then he just looks like a total ass and I get a good laugh out of it.

"I love dogs. What's that? Your little sister was mauled by a dog? Well... Ummm...."

"I'm totally against gay marriage. Those homos aren't entitled to the same rights as us straight people. Oh really? Your brother's gay. I see......"

Stand Up - Back in 'Nam

You know what's great about being me? When I'm hanging out with my friends I'm the only one who can say "Back when I was in 'Nam . . ." and mean it!

Stand Up - Pot and Gay Marriage in Colorado

I don't know how many of you saw this but this past election 55% of Coloradoans voted in favor of legalizing marijuana while 52% of them voted in favor of legalizing gay marriage. So a friend of mine asked me how any pot smoker could be opposed to gay marriage and I said "I don't think they are. I just think that 3% went into the booth saying 'YEAH! I'm in favor of pot and . . . and . . . and. . . . FUCK! What was the other thing? Oh well.'"

Stand Up - Lesbian Girlfriend

I really think a closeted lesbian would make the perfect girlfriend for me. Seriously. Think about it. She could pretend to be hetero for whatever reasons she needs to. I won't ever have to cuddle because she's not in to me that way. If she wants to have sex with a friend, I have no problem sitting in the corner and watching because that's what I already do on the Internet. And if we do have sex - I'll be done, she won't even know that it happened, and we'll still both be perfectly fine with it!