Stand Up - Fuck (Alternate)

So I don't know about the rest of you but if "fuck" is as hot, dirty and dumb as I keep hearing then I totally want to meet her because she sounds AWESOME!!!

Stand Up - Fuck

So I don't know about the rest of you but I have a favorite word. Anyone else? No? That's okay. My favorite word in the whole word is "fuck." And not because I like to do it (although I do). But because it's such a useful, versatile word.

It's an expletive. "Oh FUCK!"

It's a verb. "Fuck off!"

It's a noun. "What the fuck?"

But do you know what the best thing about "fuck" is? Every day I hear people compare someone to "fuck". "She's hot as fuck!" "She's dirty as fuck!""She's dumb as fuck!" I don't know about you all, but if "fuck" is hot, dirty and dumb I totally want to meet her because she sounds AWESOME!!!

Stand Up - Starbucks

So I love coffee. Absolutely love it. Caffeine is one of the best drugs in the world and boy do I consume a lot of it. But I hate Starbucks. I can't tell you the last time I was in a Starbucks. You know, it was disturbing enough when they put, like, five different Starbucks inside the Mall at Polaris. I think there were like three individual Starbucks shops plus one on each floor of the Great Indoors. There are just too fucking many of them! In fact, I read, recently, that Starbucks just opened a new shop in South Carolina . . . inside a funeral parlor. Yeah, that's right. There's now a Starbucks in a funeral home.

Now at first I was like all of you are. I thought "What the FUCK??? Can Starbucks really sink any lower?" But then after thinking about it for a bit I realized it makes sense. I mean - do you want to be the guy that fell asleep at a funeral? FUCK NO! Everyone's there quietly weeping and you're in a seat, head back, snoring away . . . drool trickling out of the corner of your mouth. You bet your ass you'd be wishing there were a Starbucks.

Stand Up - Positions

So a few years ago I'd picked up this girl at a bar and we were back at her place going at it and we started in the basic missionary and then changed positions to her on top and then changed again to something else when she stopped and said "What the fuck? I just want you to keep fucking me over and over. We have a good rhythm going and then you stop and change positions. Why the fuck do you keep doing that?"

"Uhhh, because that's what I thought you wanted!"

"Why the fuck would you think that?"

"Duh! PORN!!!"

You guys know, right? You watch internet porn and every five seconds it's a new position! Cowgirl! Reverse cowgirl! Blow job! Doggy style! Leg up here . . . arms over there. It's like every fucking porn star has ADD.

Stand Up - Parade

Life is so different now. Parents these days totally freak the fuck out when their kid is just talking to a stranger. I remember when I was growing up and I was at a parade and couldn't see and my parents let some guy who was tall put me up on his shoulders so I could see. And it was totally okay back then. It wasn't until recently that I realized that it probably wasn't okay because while I was on the guy's shoulders he was actually facing the wrong way and bobbing his head a lot.

Stand Up - Shoe Size

So a friend of mine insists that - to some degree - we can will just about anything to happen. And as an example she uses her boobs. According to her they were basically the size of mosquito bites until she willed them to get bigger. Now it's not like they're double-d's. They're still kinda small. But she insists that they were even smaller before.

I, of course, think this is bullshit because if it were true I'd have at least size 12 feet by now.

Stand Up - Superman

Anyone here remember how they did the original "sightings" of Superman? It always began with "It's a bird! It's a plane!" and the people saying it were always so fucking excited! WHO THE FUCK GETS EXCITED ABOUT SEEING A BIRD OR A PLANE???? Were the only people seeing Superman back then like three years old??

Stand Up - Adam and Eve (Alternate)

How is it that eating an apple was what caused the fall of man? Eating an apple is the ultimate sin? REALLY??? You've got two naked people hanging around in a garden with a snake and eating an apple is the worst thing any of them can do? It seems to me that if you wanted to start the fall of mankind in a situation like that maybe having Eve suck Adam's cock would've been the way to go! Who knows? Maybe that's what actually happened. Maybe the snake and the apple were just metaphors and what really happened was the snake was Adam's cock telling Eve to let him tea bag her. Now THAT definitely would've started the downfall of mankind.

And you can bet if that had actually happened, the Ten Commandments would've been wayyyyyy different. "Moses, I was gonna tell you not to steal but fuck that. I had to make room for 'Thou shalt not tea bag thy neighbor's ass'."

Stand Up - Adam and Eve

So I'm gonna do this bit that I came up with and the truth is it's not really that funny. But the story around it is. So here goes.

Can someone explain to me how it is that eating an apple is what caused the downfall of mankind? Eating an apple is the ultimate sin? REALLY? You've got two naked people hanging around the Garden of Eden with a snake and eating an apple is the WORST thing you can do? Of course, not everyone believes the Bible is word-for-word true. Some say that it's allegorical . . . that the stories are metaphors not to be taken literally. And I like that idea . . . maybe the snake and the apple were metaphors. Because I gotta tell you - the story of the Fall of Man makes a lot more sense if the snake was really just Adam's cock telling Eve to let Adam tea bag her.

So yeah - not the funniest bit, right? Well I was bouncing this bit off a couple of friends of mine and they both told me the same thing - it's too intellectual. They both told me I need to dumb it down a bit? I'm sorry, who the fuck says a tea bagging joke is "too intellectual"???? I mean - how low on the intelligence totem pole are you when you say a tea bagging joke is too smart??????

Stand Up - Closing

My time is about up here so I want to end on a more serious note. As you leave here tonight please be careful as you drive home. Not because you've been drinking or because others have been drinking. But because of people like me. People who are "driving while Oriental". It's not my fault, though, I swear. We just have bad depth perception. I guess that's what comes from years of telling girls that this is six inches.

Folks, if you've had half as much fun listening to me as I've had talking to you then I've had twice as much fun talking to you as you've had listening to me which leads me to the conclusion that I pretty much suck. Hopefully you'll enjoy the next guy more.

Stand Up - Plastic Casing

So, I was out of town a few weeks ago and realized I forgot my phone charger so I went out and grabbed one at the local CVS. When I got back to my room and opened the bag I discovered that the charger was packaged in that super unbreakable thick plastic casing - you know what I'm talking about right? The shit that's so thick you need a goddamn Ginsu knife to cut through it. So I'm pissed and I ask one of the guys I was on the trip with to run to the CVS and get me a pair of scissors. Well he does and he comes back and throws the scissors at me. And of course, they're also sealed up in the super unbreakable plastic packaging. Are you fucking kidding me?????

By the way - if a Ginsu knife is indestructible why don't we make more stuff outta that shit? I can't put on a pair of sunglasses more than five times without breaking the screws that hold the damn thing together. You're telling me they can't make little tiny Ginsu screws? It's Asian, for the love of God. We specialize in small!

And why is it called a pair of scissors? I mean, if I break it in half so that I have a handle and one of the blades do I have a scissor? NO! I have a fucking knife.

Stand Up - Facebook

Growing up in Columbus I'm a pretty big Ohio State fan. But you know what I hate - when people say to me or post on Facebook something like "Woohoo! We beat the shit outta Michigan!" "We"? As in "you and other people"? How did I miss seeing you out there? A friend of mine thinks the "we" thing is okay because OBVIOUSLY when we say "we" the "I" is metaphorical. Personally, I think this is a bunch of horse shit. But rather than tell him that I simply went and posted on his Facebook wall "Woohoo!! We fucked the SHIT out of your wife last night!" He didn't like that very much.

Stand Up - Safe Word

I don't know about you guys but I'm totally in to sadomasochism and bondage. I wasn't always this way but I dated this crazy-ass chick for a few months and this was her thing and she totally sucked me into it. The thing that got me was her "safe word". You know - the word you yell out when things are too rough or intense. Her "safe word" was "cucumber". CUCUMBER???? Really??? What the fuck is wrong with "SAFE"? Or even better - "STOP"? Fuck, the first time she yelled out "CUCUMBER" I wasn't sure if she wanted me to stop or if she wanted me to shove up a cucumber up her ass! I'll say one thing though - those fucking socks never yelled "cucumber!"

Stand Up - Porn

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Stand Up - SSM

So I was talking to a friend of mine who's opposed to same-sex marriage. His whole thing is that sure, they're in love, but where does it end? Are we gonna let some guy marry his dog because he's "in love" with his dog? And I gotta tell you - he really almost had me convinced. Because when I was 12 I had this sock that I was totally in love with! I so would've married this sock!

And really, if I'm being honest, it wasn't just one sock. There were like five or six socks I rotated between. One time I even tried two socks at once. And it was fine until the two socks got stuck together. Then it was the two of them and me off in the corner by myself. Fucking last time I'll ever try a three-way.

Stand Up - Phrases

So as someone who's conversationally anal retentive there are certain phrases that people use that I absolutely hate. Not so much because they're over-used but more because they just don't make any fucking sense. Last week a friend of mine was bitching about something and he was going on and on and on and then at the end he says "Eh. What are you gonna do?" So I asked him, "I don't know. What are you gonna do . . . aside from bitch and complain?" He didn't really have an answer for that.

Here's one I get a lot - "it's neither here nor there." Hold on just a fucking second! It's neither here NOR there? Then where the fuck is it? If it's neither here nor there then it simply doesn't exist!

And then there's this - "very unique". First off, "unique" means "one of a kind". It's from the latin "uni" meaning "one" and "que" meaning "of a kind". So if something is very unique that means it's even rarer than "one of a kind". I guess it would mean "none of a kind"? Yes! It's so unique and it's so rare that it's neither here nor there! Eh . . . what are you gonna do?

Stand Up - Being a Parent

But I'm a parent now and I swear to God I love all my children the same. My youngest is almost three and, sadly, totally in to Dora the Explorer. Anyone ever watch that show? The one with the little Hispanic girl with the backpack that has everything . . . EXCEPT A FUCKING GPS!?!?!?!????? I mean - REALLY? She can pull a damn canoe out of that thing to get across a river but there's no GPS telling her how to avoid the river? You'd think after getting lost so many fucking times her parents would buy her a Garmin or something. Shit - she gets off track more than a pedophile trying to walk a straight line through a playground at recess.

And speaking of Dora's parents - where the fuck are they? I know if my kid came home telling me that he and his "talking monkey" friend were being "stalked" by a" fox" in a "ski mask" I'd be putting him in some serious therapy and I mean fast. Can you say "delusional paranoia"?

And while we're on the subject of pedophiles, can I just say that how glad I am my son's not into The Wiggles. I mean - do we really need our kids wanting to hang out with four old Australian dudes who wear nothing but bright colored clothing to attract little boys and girls? Seriously - the only thing missing from that show is a van with the words "FREE CANDY" duct taped on the side.

What's really scary is that I saw, once, that the Wiggles had become the highest grossing Australian entertainment act, passing Mel Gibson. MEL GIBSON! Apparently to be rich and famous in Australia you can either hate Jews or be a pedophile.

Stand Up - Only Child

So not surprisingly - with a name like Seth Kleinman I had little choice but to become a lawyer. But seriously, though, I've learned a lot being a lawyer. A few months ago I was over in Court waiting for something and in the conference room where I was waiting there was a Time Magazine and the main article was about how parents are biologically predisposed to having a favorite child. That’s right – parents are biologically predisposed to having a favorite child. We can’t help it. We can say we love all our kids the same but science tells us we'll have a favorite. And it got me thinking “Yeah, that's right!. I was never my mother’s favorite.” Which is particularly fucked up seeing how I'm an only child.

As an only child I had to play with myself a lot. No - not that way you perverts. I mean I had a pretty active imagination. And being adopted I used to imagine that my parents paid a lot of money for me. But then I would remember - my dad's a fucking Jew . . . of course he didn't pay a lot of money for me. Hell - he wouldn't even shell out the cash for a good Chinese knockoff. He went to Vietnam to get me - the knockoff of a knockoff. If I were a watch they wouldn't sell me on the street outside of Tiffany's; they'd sell me on the street outside of Jimmy's Pawn Shop.

Stand Up - Opening (Alternate)

Thank you. Thank you very much. As mentioned, this is my first time up here and, not surprisingly, I see a few "what the fuck" looks. It's okay. Looking the way I do and having the name Seth Kleinman I get "what the fuck" looks all the time.

So yeah, I can see some of the women out there now putting two and two together. "He's Jewish. He's Asian. SHIT! How small is it???"

But that’s okay. No no. That’s okay. Because I’ve learned to overcome this handicap. I can still get the women. I use a little charm . . . a little wit . . . a little chloroform . . . and it's all good! Well, at least for me it is.

Stand Up - Opening

Thank you. Thank you very much. As mentioned, this is my first time up here and, not surprisingly, I see a few "what the fuck" looks. It's okay. Looking the way I do and having the name Seth Kleinman I get "what the fuck" looks all the time.

So yeah, I can see some of the women out there now putting two and two together. "He's Jewish. He's Asian. SHIT! How small is it?" Well, let me put it this way. About the only person I have a chance at turning on these days is Jerry Sandusky.

But that’s okay. No no. That’s okay. Because I’ve learned to overcome this handicap. I can still get the women. I use a little charm . . . a little wit . . . a little chloroform . . . and it's all good! Well, at least for me it is.