Weather Girls

Winter's on its way, which means it's time for the meteorologists to take center stage. I mean - they go crazy around here in the winter! You know, I have always wanted to date a weather girl. Not because they're usually hot and perky, though that'd be great. No. I want to date a weather girl because they're the only women I know who actually get excited when they're about to get three inches!

Yerp!

So I'm at my local watering hole one night, and I'm sitting next to this guy who's pretty drunk. Anyway, near the end of the night he turns to me and says "I don't mean to be racist, but..." Now first off - you know that anything that begins with "I don't mean to be racist" is going to be TOTALLY racist. And if you don't meant to be racist, then don't fucking say what you're about to say! But...whatever.

Anyway, he turns to me and says "Hey, man, I don't mean to be racist, but I've gotta ask you - what's the best Chinese restaurant in town?" And I look at him, and I'm like "You don't MEAN to be racist but...? Dude, that's totally fucking racist! What do I look like - Yerp!?"

Jesus Had an Oedipus Complex

Did you know Jesus had an Oedipus Complex? I mean, whose cock was the first inside Mary?

Dry Heat

My friends who live in the desert all say "Oh but it's okay. It's a dry heat." And I think "yeah, that's exactly what the Nazis told my ancestors."

Volunteering at School

[To be done after the audience knows I have kids] So over the winter I thought that it would be nice to do some volunteer work at the neighborhood school. Problem is, my kids are homeschooled, so basically I was just some creepy guy walking around the school's hallways.

Stand Up - Runners Always Find the Dead Body

So I've started running recently, but not outside. No, I'm running inside, on a treadmill, at the gym. I know a lot of people say that running on a treadmill is the most boring thing in the world and, admittedly, it's not particularly exciting. But I don't want to run outside. I don't want to run in the park. Look - you know how it goes. You're watching the news and the "Breaking News" graphic comes up and there's the reporter out in the field and he ALWAYS says this: "A man running in the park today discovered a dead body just off the running trail...." Now I can either be the guy finding the body or I can be the body, and since I don't run very fast chances are I'm gonna be the body. Either way, I don't want a piece of that.

Stand Up - Perfect Guy

I love how you ladies all say that all you you want is someone who can make you laugh. Bull. Shit. I'm sorry - it's just not true. Because I'm a pretty funny guy and I can't get anyone to go out with me. I asked a girl out once and she laughed and laughed and I thought "Man, she must really want me!"...... Yeah, not so much.

But really, while you say you just want a guy who can make you laugh what you want is that perfect guy - that hunk who works out and takes care of himself and has the six-pack abs but he's also warm and kind and sensitive and likes fuzzy animals and wants to listen to you at the end of the day. And that's fine, ladies, but it's just not gonna happen, ladies. You're never gonna get that guy. And it's not because they don't exist. On no, there are plenty of them out there. They're just all dating each other......